


Kakuzu tries to not celebrate his birthday while Deidara, Hidan and Sasori hide a body

by Frostberry



Series: Kakuzu and Hidan being very Australian dickheads [10]
Category: Naruto
Genre: ABBA reference, Gen, Hidan throws a screwdriver, Kakuzu gets angry, POST BEFORE AUGUST 15TH HAHA, Sasori is around a bit more, its murder ON THE DANCEFLOOR, stab, stabbity stab mcstab, theres a bit of murder, theres a punchline, why do i keep saying everything that have is from woolworths
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-12
Updated: 2018-08-12
Packaged: 2019-06-26 13:57:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15664566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frostberry/pseuds/Frostberry
Summary: Hidan finds out Kakuzu's birthday is on the same day as a housewarming party. Hidan, Sasori and Deidara decide to gatecrash. Unfortunately Kakuzu's trying to commit bloody murder at the same time.





	Kakuzu tries to not celebrate his birthday while Deidara, Hidan and Sasori hide a body

It was a cold, soggy day and Hidan was cleaning. 

Yes, cleaning. 

Kakuzu refused to help the three housemates (The other two being Sasori and Deidara) clean for their housewarming party. As an alpha male who believed women must be kept as slaves for Jashin, Hidan attempting to clean something that didn’t involve blood and guts was hard. Nor did he have any good cleaning supplies, as his bank account froze and he didn’t want to ask Kakuzu to unfreeze it. 

Kakuzu must have checked the mail for Hidan, Sasori and Deidara while they were staying at his investment property, while their place was getting renovated. 

A large pile of mail appeared overnight on top of the letterbox. Hidan had no idea when Kakuzu had done put it there, because he had never checked the letterbox in his life. 

Hidan stopped sweeping dust into the corners of the living room and went out to the letterbox. It was a large concrete one with a little cylinder for junk mail, which was so full that piles of grotty kmart and target catalogues littered the wet asphalt. 

However, in the mail Hidan discovered letters none of them would have never fucking opened anyway: debt collection, warnings, court outcomes, job rejections, handwritten threats, council complaints, bills never be paid. But then he found Kakuzu must have bundled one letter by accident which had  _ Kakuzu  _ written on it addressed from Rain Real Estate. 

It was a Certificate of Marriage which was a photocopy Pain and Konan must have sent through the mail, as Pain had been the celebrant and forged Hidan’s signature.  

Going through Kakuzu’s details, he found something interesting. 

The date of Kakuzu’s birthday. 

August 15th. 

As today was Friday, August 14th. 

The grin on Hidan’s face was so wide that his jaw started hurting and there was a  _ clink  _ as it broke, then healed itself. 

***

“My Stupid Fucking Housemates,” declared Hidan once Deidara and Sasori got home that night. Sasori had brought the skin of a horse in, and Deidara came in with takeaway. The horse looked like a sad deflated brown balloon on the floor of the kitchen. “Our housewarming party for August 15th has been slightly changed. It will start here, in our freshly painted shithole. Then, it will move to my Stupid Fucking Husband’s fancy fucking townhouse, as its his birthday.” 

The resin eyeball Sasori was painting stared at Hidan while he explained why they needed to give his husband a good birthday. 

“There are many reasons, but the number one reason is because we always ruin everything, that’s why.” 

“So?” Sasori and Deidara weren’t exactly buying it. 

“No, no no no no, my stupid fucking housemates, allow me to explain. Let’s get my stupid fucking husband to ruin  _ his  _ own birthday. Like, get him arrested for killing someone ‘cause he’s pissed we’ve turned up with twenty people, or whatever. You know how angry he gets. I doubt he even knows when his birthday is. I just happen to know his birthday is tomorrow. Same day as our housewarming.” 

“Celebrate it yourself,” Deidara pointed out. “The last time he came to a party his dog held my arm in its mouth, yeah?”

“So? That was like a billion year ago.” 

Sasori said nothing. The eyeball was finished and placed on the floor with the horse skin. It was bizarre and Hidan was reminded of crazy stock photos Deidara once showed him. “Are you going to say anything, or fucking stare?” Hidan looked away from the creepy horse. 

“Stare.” said Sasori simply. 

“We can’t afford to decorate Kakuzu’s place,” said Deidara. 

“I know, my fucking bank card won’t work.” 

“Has it ever worked?” 

Hidan shrugged. “I might have to pray for money. But no, it hasn’t fucking worked for a week now,” Hidan had originally thought of going to Kakuzu to see what was wrong with it, but he was banned from the Commonwealth Bank, so originally offering his body for rent to the Landlord got him a slam in the face from him. Not like Hidan cared about money anyway. 

***

On the morning of August 15, Hidan was asleep when Deidara entered. Hidan's newly repaired, (courtesy of Sasori), now-working Jashin pendant-shaped clock rang loudly a horrible screeching noise as soon as the little hand was on the ten and the long hand was on the twelve. It had been screeching for a long time now. 

Previously, Hidan had been on the couch for several years; now he had upgraded to making the lounge room the bedroom, which meant whoever walked through the front door was going to walk straight in and see a quilt and a filthy brown pillow. 

It seemed Hidan had somehow stabbed himself and fell asleep; one hand clutching a black hollow pole, impaled around his chest. The other was holding his rosary, beads touching the floor. The sheets were brown with blood, and he was snoring loudly. A bloody snot bubble was breathing in and out of his nose and it was disgusting. Deidara cringed. 

“It stinks in here, yeah…” Deidara sidestepped a mountain of ripped clothes that were never to be mended. He took one look at Hidan, hair stuck up in all places with blood and hair gel, took the lynx from the nightstand, took a deep breath and sprayed everywhere until the bottle was empty. 

Hidan instantly jerked awake, ready to punch the closest thing to him. Deidara sat on the bed next to him, legs crossed. “Did praying for money not work for you this time?” He nodded at the pole. 

Hidan spat out a clog of blood that had been covering his tonsils. “What do you want?”

“We have housewarming in several hours. You need to move your shit.” 

Hidan yawned. “That’ll take like two seconds,” he moved, then realised he had a fucking pole in his chest. He moved it around a little, and realised it was stuck. “Fuck.” He rummaged a bit more, then looked at Deidara. “Can you-?” 

“I have one hand, no fucking way am I touching that, yeah.” Deidara waved his right hand at the stump of his left elbow, which was blown off several years ago. “Master Sasori,” he called towards one of the bedrooms. “Stupid Hidan impaled himself and can’t get it out…” 

So the pole was stuck. Hidan couldn’t get it out without screaming in pain. Sasori watched him trying to get it out, before he walked away. “I can embalm you and take your insides out,” he suggested. “Other than that there is nothing I can do to remove the pole.” 

“I can’t show your arty farty friends I’m goddamn fucking immortal. What am i supposed to do?” 

“Get your fucking husband to get it out.” 

“Kakuzu ain’t laying a fucking hand on me, fuck him, fuck it all…” 

***

Deidara and Hidan had a shouting match so loudly outside Kakuzu’s house that Kakuzu flung the door open with enough force to unhinge it. He was  _ pissed _ . 

“Kakuzu, happy…” Deidara was about to say, but Hidan whacked him hard. Luckily, Kakuzu didn’t pick up on it; he didn’t know that Hidan found out today was his birthday just yet. His face was as stoic as ever, not even looking surprised that Hidan had turned up wearing nothing but a pole and a pair of bonds undies. 

“Happy Saturday, because you’re a nine to five cunt like every other normal shitty human being,” Hidan interrupted. Deidara, who always retaliated thanks to his napoleon complex, threw his hand onto the pole and possibly cracking two ribs and the spinal cord. “ _ FUCK! _ ” 

“He’s stuck,” Deidara said cheerfully to Kakuzu with glee. 

***

An hour later, the pole still hadn’t moved. Kakuzu had managed to hit Hidan hard enough in the neck to paralyse him and knock him out. Hidan had fucked himself over again, like he usually did every once in a while and paying attention to Hidan was a lot of effort.

Kakuzu had tried pushing it out with his almighty strength, wiggling it out and then just kicking it until Hidan woke up shrieking. He then got the screwdrivers outs of his shed and put them around Hidan’s chest, trying to dig out the pole. 

In a fit of anger, Hidan grabbed one of the screwdrivers and threw it cleanly into the unhinged front door, handle cleanly going through the wood. 

Silence. Then, “...You’re fixing that.” 

“Whatever,” Hidan rolled his eyes. “I have a housewarming to go to, I can’t be seen like this.”

“Yes you can,” said Deidara, who for some reason was  _ still  _ hanging around. 

“Go the fuck away, Deidara. I’m not a friggin’ art exhibit.” 

“Make me,” he said coolly. “Kakuzu, you coming tonight, yeah?”

Hidan gave him a filthy look. “He ain’t fucking invited.” 

“He’s right,” Kakuzu agreed. “I’m not invited.” 

***

Although housewarming started for 6pm, nobody turned up until 9pm. That was because in Australian culture, nobody ever turned up to a party at the correct time. Also, as Hidan nor Sasori had no friends, the only people that turned up were Deidara’s art pals. The only two Hidan knew of were ceramists Akatsuchi and Kurotsuchi. Akatsuchi was a large man, two metres tall and as dumb as a troll. Then there was Kurotsuchi, Deidara’s hot feminist friend with an ugly haircut. 

Kurotsuchi was known for her famous punch, which was ninety percent Russian vodka and ten percent something else, which Hidan forgot what it was. Possibly orange food colouring. 

“What have you done to yourself?” Kurotsuchi was suspicious when she saw Hidan. 

Hidan opened the barely working fridge and pulled out a six pack beer. “I’m in fancy dress.” 

“We may have missed that part of the invite,” said Kurotsuchi, coldly staring at Hidan’s chest. He had put an old jumper of Kakuzu’s over and ripped a large part of it out. 

“With only five fingers to type with, Deidara is bound to bring mistakes.” 

“Are you being ableist?” Kurotsuchi asked. 

“Able fucking what?” 

“ _ Ableist _ ,” said Deidara, coming into view. He gave Kurotsuchi a quick hug, and patted Akatsuchi on the elbow as a way of greeting. “Means you aren’t disabled, yeah.” 

“I  _ am  _ disabled,” Hidan pointed out. “I’m on Centrelink. I can’t die. So what’s that? A gift or a disease?” 

“A disease,” said Deidara. 

“Wouldn’t that be a gift?” said Akatsuchi. “If you can’t die?” 

“It’s definitely a disease, yeah.” 

“A gift from  _ God _ .” 

“Oh here we go again…” Deidara checked the time, “Why don’t we just go to Kakuzu’s? I don’t want to hear Hidan being a fucking  acolyte.”

“A what? Who?” asked Akatsuchi. 

“Kakuzu,” said Deidara, “Hidan’s Sugar Daddy, yeah.” 

“Sugar daddy? You mean Stupid Fucking Husband. Now, give me some of that punch.” 

***

Hidan heard his phone ringing just as he approached Kakuzu’s. He looked down to see  _ Stupid Fucking Kakuzu  _ on his cracked phone, and groaned. 

“Great, we tip toed here, he already fucking saw us.” 

He banged on the newly fixed door once, and it was opened to Kakuzu with one hand on his phone. He glowered. 

“HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY!” 

Kakuzu was a mess. His dark hair, usually in a bun or a loose ponytail, was down past his shoulders and there was a streak of blood on his cheek. “What were you doing, ay?” Hidan nudged him in the ribs before letting people through. “You look like you lost a fight.” 

“I was busy losing a fight with a snake.” 

Hidan didn’t know what he meant. “So you aren’t interested in celebrating a holiday where you slithered into the world as a sociopathic infant?”

“No.” 

A shopping trolley went into the house, full of beer and doritos. A sign bore in large letters with cheap recyclable paper  _ Merry fucking Christmas  _ written in sharpie was then blue tacked to Kakuzu’s wall, and within a minute the crowd was all chatting and sitting down in his lounge room. As Kakuzu’s place was clean, it almost looked like he had prepared for the party. Taki, Kakuzu’s dog, was going nuts with happiness. 

So Kakuzu was not pleased when they turned up. In fact, he was angry. 

“Jesus christ, calm your tits,” Hidan tried to calm him down, but he didn’t know how to. “It’s your birthday. You gotta celebrate.” 

“I’m busy,” Kakuzu said through gritted teeth, turning away from Hidan to go up the stairs.

“On your birthday?” Hidan called from the ground floor. “What do you have, Oro upstairs giving you a birthday present?” He pushed his tongue to his cheek, pushed his hand back and forth making an ‘O’ sign. “Haha. I’m joking. Now, Kurotsuchi, gimme some of that punch.” 

***

The birthday man was not present for his party; Hidan was going to follow him but thought the better. 

He went back to Kakuzu’s lounge room. Kurotsuchi was putting food and punch out, along with typical Australian favourites at parties: Woolworths mud cake, a packet of unopened ritz biscuits and goon from BWS. The ritz was given to Sasori, as he was one of the only vegans in the room. He didn’t eat it. 

Hidan felt a pull on his arm, and before he knew it he was being dragged upstairs by the scruff of the jumper. He couldn’t exactly breathe, and it was lucky he had some magic healing powers or his neck would have fallen off. 

“Ugh - fuck,” he rubbed his neck once Kakuzu kicked open the spare room, where his office was an absolute mess. The cabinet, full of papers, had fallen over and littered the carpet. “All I wanted was some punch!” Kakuzu put the bright light on, he could see someone on the floor, black hair spilling onto the carpet. Hidan gasped and looked at Kakuzu dramatically. He would have put a heavy hand to his heart, but there was a pole in the way. “You’re cheating on me!? We’re  _ married _ !” Sarcastic as he was, Kakuzu rolled his eyes, and turned the person’s face around and moved the hair out of his eyes. 

Orochimaru.

“I was going to kill him,” said Kakuzu. Orochimaru had duct tape around his mouth. His eyes were closed, and he was breathing heavily through his nose. “He knows too much.”

“Well yeah, he’s like a walking fucking Wikipedia.” 

“We had a hacker break into your empty account at work,” said Kakuzu.

Hidan blinked. “Ooh. That’s why I couldn’t get food.” His stomach grumbled, and he realised he hadn’t eaten in days. 

Kakuzu ignored Hidan’s lack of money, as he didn’t give a shit. “Then tried to hack into mine. Traced it back to Orochimaru.” 

“He’s a fucking surgeon, he don’t need any money.” 

“No, he was planning to hold our accounts hostage to capture you and try and find the secrets to your immortality,” Kakuzu pointed out. “Hence why you could not get into your accounts.” 

“How do you know?” 

“Because I work at the  _ bank _ . But now you’re here, you can be of some use… This may help get the pole out, you know.” He nodded towards Orochimaru.

“What do you mean? What did you fucking do to him?” 

“Ricin,” he said. “And also… just get rid of him with your curse. We’ll move the body tomorrow after your little friends have left.” 

“Good idea,” he looked down at the still body. “Why is he still alive? He ain’t a Jashinist.” 

“He’s mostly silicone,” Kakuzu supplied. 

“Did I just hear… a  _ joke _ ?” Hidan couldn’t believe it. Kakuzu was sarcastic and unfunny, but never did he attempt any humour. 

“No, you heard the truth,” Kakuzu said, scratching at the flaking blood on his cheek. “Or he may have just froze to death.” 

“A ha  _ ha _ ,” said Hidan, pulling out the sharpie to draw up the circle in preparation for his ritual. “Cynical sarcastic bastard. Ah, fuck,” he said, trying to mark on the rough carpet. “Got any chalk?” 

“I have tarp. You are not ruining my carpet.” 

“I am  _ not  _ doing a fucking ritual on your tarp.” 

In the end, Kakuzu went and got a spare bed sheet, which was thrown back in his face in favour of sharpie on carpet. “Usually I’m more prepared,” Hidan said to Kakuzu, peering at the unconscious Orochimaru. “Candles and-” 

“Just get on with it.” Hidan shook open one of his spears that he always had in his pocket. It clanged against the pole. “Good luck.” 

“Any last words, snake?” Hidan asked the unconscious man. 

“He’s been knocked out,” said Kakuzu. 

“No, you fucker. I’m asking Orocunt.” There was no response of course. Muttering under his breath, Hidan praised and thanked Jashin for his immortality. He slashed down with the spear towards Orochimaru’s neck, which didn’t do much. Hidan looked at the spear to see only a miniscule drop of blood. “You’re right, Kakuzu. He’s made of silicone. He’s a fucking barbie doll.” 

As soon as Orochimaru’s blood came in contact with Hidan’s mouth, something strange happened. It seemed that as soon as Hidan went from black to white, Orochimaru’s chest seemed to have exploded, blood splattering everywhere. It reminded Hidan of the time he beheaded himself, being sprayed with red mess. But this was because Hidan was already injured enough to be dead; no way Orochimaru would have survived having a pole stuck in his torso.

“Ah, fuck,” said Hidan, turning away from the  _ pssh  _ as the pole in Hidan’s chest made the same mark in Orochimaru’s. Some sort of red goop went on Kakuzu, who was not pleased that his spare bedroom was ruined, like everything else in the house which had been ruined at least once by Hidan. “Oh,  _ yeah…  _ fuck…  _ fuck. _ ” His eyes rolled to the back of his head and Kakuzu wanted to cringe because it looked very wrong. 

The pole came out of Hidan, sliding down and going  _ plop  _ on the bloody bed sheet in front of him. It was gross. 

Really gross.

Suddenly they were brought back to reality; 

Twenty people downstairs. None of them mass murderers. And Kakuzu’s spare bedroom was upstairs…next to the bathroom. 

So basically, they were fucked. They could hear ABBA’s  _ Fernando  _ playing, and it felt very bizarre. 

Until they heard a voice. “That was interesting.” 

Both of them jumped and looked around to see Sasori watching them silently. Kakuzu had forgotten to close the door. 

“Oh Jesus, you almost gave me a heart attack,” said Hidan, clutching his exposed heart. It wiggled a bit, and he pushed it back in. 

“Hmm.” said Sasori, observing the scene. He eyed the blood splatter on his hand, and put it back in his pocket. “Interesting.” 

“Um…” said Hidan. He then pointed at the dead Orochimaru. “How much did you see?”    
“All of it,” he said simply. He didn’t say anything else. 

“Fuuuuuck,” said Hidan, rubbing a bloody hair through his hair. “So, do you want a free body? You know, make it into a puppet?” 

For a few seconds, Sasori was still silent, thinking. Kakuzu was thinking of a few billion different thoughts in his head, figuring out how to get Sasori to stay quiet about this mess. But then he spoke. “Sure.” 

“Really?” Hidan’s face lit up. “Fucking great! Here you go. Free! You don’t have to pay.” 

“Hidan, is he going to go to the police?” asked Kakuzu. 

“I doubt Sasori knows who the police are.” 

“I know all of their names off by heart.” 

“But are you going to say anything?” 

“No.” Sasori was still drinking in the sight in front of him. Until there was a shout from downstairs. “Master Sasori, where are you, yeah?” 

“Don’t fucking say anything-” 

“Up here,” said Sasori in a calm voice. “Upstairs, Deidara.” 

***

Like Sasori, Deidara wasn’t too fussed about the body. This was because the four of them didn’t exactly possess the same emotions as other normal people. As Hidan described had Kakuzu as a ‘sociopathic infant’, it probably applied to all four of them. However, Deidara also pointed out the obvious. 

“You need to get rid of it before anyone else sees it, yeah.” 

“Who else is gonna come up here? They can’t see this blood bath.” 

“Why the fuck not?” 

“Because the general population doesn’t exactly kill people, Hidan.” 

“Pfft, if it was for art, you would,” Hidan pointed out. 

“This is the twenty first century, nobody kills and gets away with it.” 

“I do,” Hidan pointed out. “Jashin is always on my side.” 

“I’ll keep the body,” said Sasori. “I can turn it into a puppet.” 

“Can’t you taxidermy it?”

Sasori stared, and looked at Hidan as if he was dumb. “No. Humans can’t be preserved. Fur is needed.” 

“He’s silicone.” 

Kakuzu had been silent for a few minutes, then interrupted them. “We need to get this out the house.” 

***

Sasori and Deidara crept down with Orochimaru covered in the bedsheet, still warm with blood and soaking into their arms. Hidan got hold of the trolley which had taken all their food and beer into Kakuzu’s house. Taki was busy entertaining the guests, and although Hidan really wanted some punch… there were too many people around it. He sneaked out with the trolley. 

They closed the lounge door as they sneaked the body down. It was very light. Kakuzu kept a foot by the lounge door so that nobody would be able to get out. Now Orochimaru was dumped in a shopping trolley (Hidan stuffing it in, breaking a few bones here and there), they were out in the cold winter night with no idea what to do. Cars drove past, no idea that Hidan had just committed bloody murder. 

***

They made it to the unit, dumping the trolley in the lounge room next to Hidan’s futon. “Just leave it,” said Hidan to Deidara. “Our shit is still at Kakuzu’s.” 

“What if-” 

“Jashin is always on our side, stupid fucking housemate,” said Hidan, slamming the door and not bothering to lock it. “Why do you think I’ve never gotten in a lot of trouble for anything I’ve done?” 

“Because you never check the mail,” Deidara pointed out.

“Pfft… I did yesterday.” 

They argued on their way back to Kakuzu’s, taking their time. They took the shortcut by crossing a creek which they couldn’t have done if they had the trolley. 

By the time they got to Kakuzu’s, Kakuzu was waiting for them at the front door. Kakuzu was glowering. “What’s wrong now? Sad strangers are over?” 

“No…” Kakuzu nodded towards the lounge room. Confused, Hidan and Deidara went in. 

The life of the party had changed from Taki to the man in the centre of the room. With black long hair, skin as pale as snow….

And not speck of blood in sight. 

“What the fuck?” 

“Ah yes,” said Orochimaru, going over to greet them. He didn’t shake hands. Kakuzu looked furious. “I am also immortal.” 

“He arrived a minute before you,” said Sasori. “Something about being an immortal the way Jashin is not.” 

“I was reborn from a snake,” Orochimaru supplied. 

“You’re fucking nuts, man.” 

“If ricin doesn’t work, your ritual doesn’t work, then how do you kill me? I think you have some competition now, Hidan.” 

“Fucking make you swallow my small dick and die choking for all I give a fuck. You know what? I’m actually going to enjoy this party, even though Kakuzu doesn’t want us here.” Hidan eyed the punch that Kurotsuchi made, and the people crowded around it. “The punchline.” He paused. “It’s too long.” 

 

END


End file.
